we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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