all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
