ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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