Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
