I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
