I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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