My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Enjoy the penises
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
