Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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