Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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