I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
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we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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