I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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