I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
