i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
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I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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