Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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