Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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