So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
