His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
