We're like a lot better than the average bears
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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