she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
