My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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