I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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