is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect