So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize