She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
