You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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