you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
