I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
