When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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