I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
