I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
