U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
