If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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