So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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