So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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