My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
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As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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