I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
