Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
