I could have mohawked her pubes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm too high and old for this...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
