yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
