Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
