She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
