My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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