Where did you get a picture of my penis
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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