i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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