Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
