so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
