Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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