Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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