The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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