Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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