Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
