I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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