Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
