true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if only i could text you this smell
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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