She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I supernannyed him into submission
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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