Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Randomize
