I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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