She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
